Why I Won’t Find Love

Author Annette Young

Love can be amazingly elusive, we all search for it, covet it, honour it and hope once we find it, that love will stay. But true love is not easy to find.  The odds are greatly stacked against anyone meeting that special person  – being in the right place at the right time and, being ready to embrace that new person in their lives, yet thousands and millions of people do find love. Their lives meld beautifully, they have common interests, their circumstances fit, it just happens.

So why can’t I find love?

It’s a question I have asked myself many times over the years and for a long time I imagined that it would just happen, I would kind of stumble over that single other, we’d start chatting, cupid would appear, the magic would spark up and that would be that.  I anticipated an easy amalgamation of two lives.

When I was newly single in my late 30’s, I never imagined in a million years that 10 years later, I would still be alone.  I didn’t want to be single per se, I would have chosen to stay in my marriage – if there had been any chance that it could have been a happy one.  But once the foundations of a relationship have started to crack and you feel unappreciated, unloved and life becomes volatile, there is just no point.

I have tried to meet men over the years, believe me when I say that in the UK, it was like a dating frenzy, a conveyor belt of eligible individuals from all backgrounds, circumstances and with a multitude of experiences. Dating became an integral part of my life, I enjoyed meeting new people and gained a lot of new friends. I even met some men who, with hindsight, could have been quite special but I pushed them away and therein lies the problem.

When you have been a victim of any type of abuse, deep inside you are vulnerable. You get on with life, you do your best to make it good, you cover up the hurt and to the outside world, you may seem contented again, but your deepest insecurities start to affect every single thing you do. I turned down chances to be happy because maybe, there was a part of me that didn’t feel I deserved it, or that these  nice men didn’t deserve to be with someone who was damaged and who couldn’t be romantically giving anymore.

I met people readily but only allowed the wrong men to get close. Why? Because instinctively, this behaviour was familiar, it was comfortable although it was wrong, and it didn’t really matter if I walked away at some point, because they didn’t deserve better.

For many women who have endured domestic abuse in any shape or form, they probably feel the same and although most women will tell you they deserve more, they might not believe it deep down. If they have endured condescending remarks from their so-called love ones, or they have been physically hurt, the pain deep inside remains, for months and even years afterwards. It never truly goes away unless that woman faces it head on.  They feel insecure, unlovable, unlikable or unworthy. Let me tell you, that feeling sucks.

Recently, I came to the stark realisation that there’s a big part of me that wants my life to remain as it is . No matter how much I think about dipping my toe back into the dating waters, I can feel the barriers shutting down and firmly locking, barring the way forward. In many ways, it’s a relief. I have dated too many men who were controlling, manipulative or just plain volatile.

I can’t go through yet another destructive relationship. It’s too hurtful, damaging and soul destroying.  Subconsciously, I’m protecting myself, because many single men of my age seem to have an agenda.  They want an instant relationship, they don’t want to take time, they want to take over. I have met many men in recent years who have abusive qualities, they were all different in their words and actions, but believe me, I can now (finally) detect the signs.

I don’t mind being single if I’m honest. I have learned to really enjoy my own company, to choose who I want to spend time with and to not bother with those who are not genuinely caring. I like being able to live the life that I want without having to fit a partner into my busy schedule, but deep down, I know if there was someone truly nice, I would make that effort.

I’m not writing this to incite sympathy, rather it’s part of the cleansing process that I am going through. It’s the  next part of the ‘stand up and be counted’ stage and I finally feel that it’s time for me to have my say. I strongly believe that being single is not so bad, I’m not just saying that, there are truly many benefits to being alone and I often feel genuinely happy with my life. When I think back to those relationships that have hurt me so badly and the men who treated me as if I was nothing, I breathe a huge sigh of relief because I am free from that. I can honestly say hand on heart that being alone is far better than being with someone for the sake of it.

I still hope that one day romance will make an appearance but I’m of the mind that it will happen if it’s meant to. I think it would take a very special person to break through these barriers now and if that person is prepared to do so, then I look forward to that moment. If not, I have plans for my single life, I recognise that I have some wonderful and caring friends and my family of course and I have plans to travel and experience all that life has to offer.

If my words strike a chord with anyone, then know this, life can be good after bad relationships – even if it means choosing to be alone for a while.  It may be a necessary part of the healing process.

 

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Emotional Abuse

It’s filled with personal stories and content that will help you to understand your situation.

 

 
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Self-Improvement – Lessons Learned

Life Coaching

 

by Annette Young

Self-improvement – when you are in the pits of despair, the last thing you might want to think about are self-improvement techniques. After all,  you have tried almost everything to make your partner happy and perhaps, nothing worked. But if you are emerging out the other side of an abusive relationship, you do need to think about getting yourself back on track, nurturing your mind, soul and body and there are things that you can do to start feeling better.

Your instinct may be telling you to blot everything out. You don’t want to think about your past because it hurts too much. But to  go forward, you do need to go back and dip into your memory cells considering what you may have learned from your experiences. If you could go back in time, reflect on the things that you might do differently and consider any warning signs that were visible.  If you missed them at the time, would you spot them if they happened now?

It’s good to reflect even if the memories are painful, telling yourself that you are out of the situation will give you some comfort but it takes time to heal. To help yourself move on from the past, think about two pieces of advice that you would give to someone else who might be in the same situation as you are in now. Do this from a dispassionate view point and not from an emotional stance.

Give yourself just ten minutes of reflection, writing  your thoughts down, pinning them up somewhere so that you are reminded of them each day.  As time passes, it will enable you to grow stronger and to become used to being your own person again. Trying out self-improvement techniques can work in a number of ways, it can make you feel clearer about the past, present and the future or, to realise that you did the best that you could do in a difficult situation or, to be clear at least about those warning signs.

It’s time to start taking care of yourself, keep your thoughts positive, look to the future and you will soon start to feel the difference, it just takes time.

 

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Am I In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship

by Annette Young

Do you ever ask the question, ‘am I in an emotionally abusive relationship?’ Many women do but most find it hard to face up to the truth. Let’s be honest, if you have to ask the question, the chances are that you are not in a healthy relationship.  Whether it is a violent relationship or an emotionally abusive one, the question is not whether you should leave, but when.

The hardest part of being in a destructive relationship is facing up to the reality. You will face a myriad of inner angst, there will be questions, ‘why me?’ There will be anger, feelings of betrayal, regret, hurt, rejection all rolled into one.

It’s hard to accept that the man in your life could do this to you.   You may struggle with that reality for a long time, you may be uncertain if it is abuse. Physical violence leaves no doubts, it is wrong, it’s cruel and it is dangerous. Emotional abuse by its very nature makes you question, it’s not tangible, it’s a feeling. Each day is akin to walking on a road flanked with uncertainty and fear at what might come at you from out of the shadows. No-one should have to live in fear or reproach.

There’s another question you should ask yourself, ‘are you happy?’ The chances are that you are not. An abusive relationship is a black hole of doubts, fear and mistrust. You are not paranoid, if you sense it, think it and feel it, it’s very real. But you are not alone in this, there are millions of others who are going through it now or who have managed to escape and to rebuild their lives.

The final questions you should ask yourself is, ‘when and how should I leave?’ Start considering your options for escape today. Abuse does not get better, it merely gets worse.

For help and support, sign up for our FREE newsletter or take time to read Emotional Abuse – Get Out of My Head and Out of My Bed! 

It’s filled with personal stories and content that will help you to understand your situation.

 

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Domestic Abuse

Stop Domestic Abuse

by Annette Young

You may think that domestic abuse is the horrendous act of physical violence but domestic abuse is so much more than that. There are varying degrees and types of abuse including the act of emotional manipulation. The scars of abuse can take a long time to heal.

Domestic abuse varies from household to household, control is always at the root of the problem. Sometimes it is the mere threat of violence that strips the woman’s power, at other times it is the slow degrading comments, the condescending tone or the withdrawal of love, it leaves no physical scars but eradicates the woman’s sense of identity, confidence and well-being all the same.

It’s a secret crime and one that many people do not understand. Often victims do not wish to come forward, it’s hard to admit that their partner or husband can inflict such inner pain and yet, deep down, they often feel that they are the ones to blame.   Victims of abuse change,  they live under a shadow, afraid to do or say the wrong thing. They lose their confidence and second-guess every decision, fearful of the resulting comments or violence that occurs if they get it wrong. Feelings of inadequacy and fear are often all that remains.

No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Abusers are often careful, they hide behind a mask and can be charming, attractive and kind….to others. In the privacy of their own homes, they can change. The mask drops, they revel in their power.

Look around you. You may have friends, family or neighbours who are suffering right now. Awareness is important, domestic abuse is more common that you might think.

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Signs of Emotional Abuse

Signs of abuse

by Annette Young

The signs of emotional abuse are sometimes so subtle that it can take time for the victim to even realise what is happening. Often there are feelings of despair, loneliness and helplessness but women try to hide the reality of their situation, embarrassed or ashamed of their plight. Many women take up the mantle of investigator determined to find out the cause of the problems, to communicate with their partner and to rescue the relationship.

This sadly can make the situation a whole lot worse.

If you are suffering from emotional abuse, you are likely to feel withdrawn and isolated.  There’s a deep need to talk the problem through, you need to bring it all out into the open, but it’s hard to open up to others, after all, you have no evidence of abuse. It’s your word against his and, deep down, you really don’t want to betray him.

You will tell yourself it’s a bad patch, all couples go through it…right? Wrong.

Like physical violence, emotional abuse has its roots firmly embedded in the power game. You haven’t done anything wrong, you didn’t cause this to happen, you just chose an emotionally abusive man. You made a mistake by falling in love with someone unable to give you the love you deserve and you deserve so much more.

Those intense feelings of isolation may spread. In time, you may find yourself with less contact from friends and family. You will lose confidence and you may even doubt your own intelligence. It’s hard to stay positive if you are told that you are fat, ugly or worthless. You will feel unloved and unlikable.

Depression raises its head and you become immersed in a bleakness where fatigue rules your day. It will seem as if there is no escape. From the outside, people will notice  you have changed, they will know instinctively something is wrong but others can’t help unless you tell them. Your need to communicate is sound, but it is likely to be more productive if you talk to a friend or family member, someone who can support you emotionally and help you to regain your confidence.

If you have experienced these feelings,  sign up for our FREE newsletter or take time to read Emotional Abuse – Get Out of My Head and Out of My Bed! 

 

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