Are You Recovering from Emotional Abuse? Give Yourself Some Time.

by Annette Young

If you are now in the process of recovering from emotional abuse, having escaped from the clutches of the relationship, there is bound to be a deep sense of relief. It’s also likely to be intermingled with sadness and regret, even if the relationship was beyond repair and damaging. Freedom may have been a long time in the planning, or, you may have suddenly realized that enough was enough and walked away. Whatever the circumstances; it takes time to get back to normal.

Since I wrote my book, Emotional Abuse – Get Out of My Head and Out of My Bed! I have spoken to many women who have experienced varying degrees of abuse. Some had endured a nightmarish situation for many years, scared to leave but deeply unhappy within their individual environments and afraid for their futures. Others are now free and yet feel as if they are still trapped on an emotional level. Freedom has not enabled them to feel safe or whole. Sadly emotional abuse is everywhere and if you looked into the relationships of those around you, no doubt, you would uncover some ugly realities. The stark reality is that abusive relationships exist everywhere.

Emotional and physical abuse is far more common than any of us would like to imagine. Worse, the harsh reality is that many women fall back into the clutches of an abusive relationship without realizing it. This may seem unlikely considering the traumatic and long reaching effect of abuse but, it seems that we become used to a certain type of behaviour, it becomes familiar and therefore is easier to slip back into.

The most important thing that you can do once free from a relationship is to give yourself time. It takes time to make sense of the past, to heal any emotional wounds and to then prepare for your future. Recovering from emotional abuse does not happen overnight, there is no magic wand to wave and you have to deal with the rawness of the reality and for some, this deeply rooted hurt is the hardest to overcome.

I have often found myself looking back with a sense of disbelief, questioning why I had put up with such an uncaring relationship, but, as much as we can analyse over and over, we have to accept the past and to come to terms with it. We can’t go back, we just have to learn which type of relationships are damaging and to avoid them. We cannot blame ourselves for loving someone. Everyone makes mistakes but, in time, we can work out patterns of behaviour and to identify those relationships that should be avoided. Rushing straight into another relationship is usually a mistake. It can be terrifying being on your own and starting life again, but I have no doubt that it is a better option than being with someone who wields their words like a weapon and who makes you feel bad about yourself.

 

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Emotional Abuse

It’s filled with personal stories and content that will help you to understand your situation and to re-build your life.

 




 
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Do You Deserve Love? That is the Question

Deserving of love?

by Annette Young

We all know that relationships are difficult and what starts off as a match made in heaven, can over time splinter and fragment leaving the very foundations of the relationship beyond salvage. But many of us fall for the wrong types in a romantic sense, there is discord beneath the romantic liaison and so the relationship is doomed from the start.

If you are a naturally giving person, you may have found yourself with someone who is cold emotionally and who finds it hard to show feelings. This alone can cause conflict in a relationship. Most people search for a relationship that is built on trust and compassion; there is an intrinsic need to feel safe within any partnership and there has to be balance with mutual love and respect. Yet for so many of those who have experienced cold or abusive relationships, it can seem an ever elusive task.

While mulling over the possibilities of why some people struggle to achieve commitment and love, it made me wonder why so many of us fall for people who are so incapable of loving in return. After a great deal of analysing, I realized that many people – and this includes men and women, often feel that they are not deserving of more. When I talk to friends about this, it’s always met with mixed reactions. Who wants to admit that they feel less than worthy? But it’s easy to say yes, I deserve more, but think, is that really the truth deep down inside?

We can all say we deserve more and of course, the reality is that we all do deserve healthy relationships, no-one should ever be made to feel like a victim emotionally or physically. No-one should suffer vindictiveness or coldness within a relationship and yet it happens on a daily basis. If you ask yourself whether you deserve more, take a look at your deepest feelings confined in your very core first because it’s easy to cheat yourself into thinking one thing and yet mean something entirely different. Let’s change the question – have you ever wondered if someone  will truly want you in the future?

If your sense of self-worth is low, you may find yourself considering all the reasons why you won’t attract anyone. Perhaps you feel less than attractive? You feel unsatisfied in life in comparison to others? You feel too fat or too thin?  Low self-esteem will have you second guessing every aspect of your life and it’s  these core insecurities that cause much of the problems and make you feel less than whole. These doubts will infiltrate not just your present but your future happiness too.

If this sounds familiar, consider trying to get to the root of the reason as to why you experience less than loving relationships  and how you feel about yourself. If you have experienced damaging relationships and your confidence has been impacted, take time to build up this aspect of yourself instead before rushing into a new relationship. Your self-esteem or, lack of it will make a huge difference to the fruitfulness of future relationships.

I know I deserve much better relationships than I have experienced to date. What about you?

For help and support, sign up for our FREE newsletter or take time to read Emotional Abuse – Get Out of My Head and Out of My Bed! 

Emotional Abuse

It’s filled with personal stories and content that will help you to understand your situation.

 

photo credit: C@tch via photopin cc

Overcoming Trust Issues – Female Destructive Cycles

trust issues

by Annette Young

Overcoming trust issues – it’s impossible isn’t it? If you have been badly hurt and your life, your self-esteem and your confidence has plummeted like a rock and it takes all your effort to simply paste a smile on your face each day, surely, trust will be a thing of the past?

A disastrous or manipulative relationship can certainly affect you in ways that you don’t even realise. It can make you paranoid. It can make you angry. You may start looking out for any sign of possible rejection, the first hint of a derogatory remark and, you may even play out imaginary scenarios in your mind.

The bad news is, that as a victim of abuse, you will have been damaged in some way.

The good news is that there is always the possibility of overcoming trust issues and finding a decent, caring and healthy relationship in time. But I will make one thing very clear.  Those with severe trust issues and deep, dark memories of an abusive relationship will not be able to move on and welcome in a positive, nurturing relationship without clearing out the emotional angst first. Acknowledging that you have problems is the first painful but empowering step, but facing up to resolving it is yet another. With help, it’s possible to face up to and to deal with the bitterness and anger and the suspicions.

But you have to want to.

Overcoming trust issues takes time. It also means you have to be kind with yourself. Physical wounds heal slowly but in a visible way, emotional traumas and deeply rooted sadness can take years. Understanding why you lack trust is important, learning techniques to help you let go of suspicions will also benefit you. I’ve endured much on a personal level and have had my fair share of a tortured mind, but I know I am not alone in that. I do know that there are nice, caring individual’s out there all looking for a decent person, but if you are seeking love, you will frighten them away if you don’t deal with your own issues first.

Many women who have experienced damaging relationships will fall into the self-destruct mode and will experience swift inter-changing emotions – from liking to fearing to liking and then sabotaging, all within minutes. This comes from having a low self-esteem and an inability to see yourself in a positive light. Knowing when you start doing this will help you to control it, but it takes time to learn new positive behaviours and to mean them.

I have every sympathy for women who fall into this destructive cycle of behaviour, but I also know that unless those women learn to stop this cycle, any potential new loving relationships will fall foul to self-destructive actions, however nice and kind a man might be, or how sorry you feel for being so irrational.

Overcoming trust issues starts like this; can you honestly blame any new man in your life for the antics of a former partner?

Every new person who enters your life should be judged on their behaviour towards you now, not for any negative behaviour that you may have experienced in the past.

 

 

 

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