Online Dating – Turn Down the Toxic

Author Annette Youngby Annette Young

It’s not easy to pick up the pieces after an abusive relationship but, I have always believed that there are some genuinely nice guys out there. I don’t hate men at all, I just refuse to have anyone in my life who thinks it is acceptable to belittle me or who wants to control me.   It’s important that we do not allow  ourselves to be so firmly rooted in the past that life stands still, otherwise abusers win and I don’t like that thought at all.

I want to share a recent personal story with you. I’m doing so because I know how difficult it is for anyone who has been abused to build up their self-confidence again. I’ve been (mainly) on my own for some time but,  I decided that I would dip my toe back into the online dating circus and just see who was about.  I wasn’t expecting full-blown love and romance but maybe a chance to enjoy quality time with like-minded people, not unreasonable I think.

Having just signed up, I received the usual bombardment of emails with questions ranging from, ‘would I like to go out for a drink to when would I like to meet up for a sexual encounter? ‘ Seriously? Who says romance is dead? I may be a modern woman but I would still like the opportunity to meet someone before planning to jump into bed with them.

I did chat to one guy for a while and we exchanged numbers and so, using WhatsApp, kept in contact. I have to admit,  I  had the impression he was a little bit shallow. He kept asking me for more photos and I kept saying no. They were all new photos on the dating site anyway and let’s be honest, if you meet someone, you see each other then. I wasn’t going to have a load more done especially for him. But, he really was insistent about seeing full-length photos and I started to get irritated. Then of course came all the naughty flirtation talk and it was way to soon for any of that. I was pretty sure that this guy mainly wanted a sexual encounter and that didn’t suit me at all.

The connection faded out but then out of the blue,  I had a message come through on WhatsApp. He had somehow managed to get onto my Facebook page and had been rummaging through my photos. He’d found one of me – all glammed up but it was an old pic. He started raving about how sexy I looked and how much he now couldn’t wait to meet me. Yep, that thought held no appeal so I was   pleased to be able to tell him it was quite an old photo. Silence. Then, he messaged me again to say ‘oh, that’s a shame. But now, I can see exactly why you don’t put a full body photo  on your dating profile!’


I’ve met many rude men in my time but honestly, it never fails to irritate the hell out of me that men think it’s okay to be spiteful or condescending. Yes, woman can be spiteful and nasty too, of course, but it has to stop.   Of course, their actions and words say a lot about them, it’s all about control and having power over the woman but, unluckily for Mr. Shallow, I don’t give a flying fig what he thought and if he stopped finding me attractive, well, that’s a relief.   I am never going to waste any of my precious time even meeting someone like that for a coffee, let alone do anything else with him.  I’m curvaceous and I’m happy. Importantly, I have good self-esteem. I will never let someone that shallow and nasty try to make me feel bad about myself.  It’s just not going to happen.

I am sharing this with you because if it happened to me, it may well happen to you so, be warned. Men don’t have to meet you before trying to put you down. Remember, if you encounter someone like this, the moment they try to make you feel less of yourself, get rid of them. You do not deserve someone toxic in your life. When I received that message, I told him straight, yep, a few home truths came his way and then I blocked him. Let’s be honest, this man would bring nothing but nastiness into my life so, thanks but  no thanks.

I know I am worth far more. You are too.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t like your body, whether you feel you are too short, too tall, too big, too thin….love yourself anyway. You have to because otherwise you’ll only let a manipulative shallow man into your life who will just love to belittle you. Send them packing.

There’s nothing wrong with online dating and if you fancy giving it a go, do so, but just be aware that there are sharks lurking.

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Emotional Abuse